Hello my friends! I'm back again!

Maybe you might wonder: Have I overcome my climb? No, not yet. I probably just finished packing my backpack, or just started the Mt. Everest climb.

I just thought, it would be nice if I could use this blog to record the process of my backache journey. :) Cool, huh!

It's been 4 months of going through the process, of learning how to adapt to the pain, of discovering how to make friends with my health condition, of knowing what my body really needs, of realizing how different people are when faced with difficulties, of being inspired by the excruciating physical experience, and many more...

Indeed, throughout these months, even though it was a tough journey, I gained so much. It was all worthwhile. I believe there's a reason for this, and it's a beautiful arrangement and a gift from God. He wants me to learn something, and I will.

Sometimes, I would think that I haven't really tasted the essence of what is real manual labour, what's hard work, therefore this is the chance for me to do so, for the first time, and I need to really take this opportunity to learn by going through every single moment of this rare experience. Of course, all these come with costs. I've been seeing doctors and chinese physicians just to find a cause of my health condition, and during the process, I had to go through the feelings of loss of appetite, stomach upsets, tearing aches... and as a result, I've lost some weight.

Moreover, it's not only the physical aspect that I felt, but also the financial expenses that I've to consider. Every visit to the doctor's, I had to think about how much I had to spend, and how much savings I've left for other expenditure.

OK, side-track for a while.

Because of financial issues, I had to clench my teeth and drag myself for every Saturday's tuition so that I've enough pocket money to spare for health treatment. I've not liked tuition for quite some time already. It's just not something I could identify with and do for long. With this backache, the dreadful feeling became even worse. Sometimes I even asked myself why I'm going through such dread when I could choose not to. All I came up with was "not to burden my parents with the financial load". Everytime I think about this, I just felt so upset. I wish I could stop going out to earn money, study freely like a student and at ease like most of my schoolmates, but at the same time, I don't wish my parents to feel too troubled with the family's finances. At this age, I'm also supposed to be earning money and giving some to my parents, but yet, no matter how I try to earn and save up, I still lack funds sometimes and had to resort to receive money from my parents. What am I doing all these for??? When I got the scholarship last month (even though it wasn't very confirmed), I had felt so happy about it because my mum could keep a year's school fees for future use for my siblings' school fees. :D


However, I still got scolded and compared to other children sometimes...
I always assumed I'll get scolded no matter what I do. That's why I became so compliant, so obedient, because I tried so hard not to upset my parents, especially...mum. Sometimes, I felt so tired about being such a good girl...

Right. Back to where I was.

Besides my own individual experiences, the people around me do get affected too. People who're close to me, they worry for me, scolded me because they don't wish me get too exhausted in cases when I had to go out often, or when I seem not to be able to take good care of myself. They asked around for help whenever they could, so that I've a chance of recovery. They provided me with so much information and advices because they either heard of others' experiences or they themselves had gone through similar experience. They did little things in the hope of making me feel better and comfortable at rest... These little things they did, are enough for me to give me the strong will to recover.

People who're not so close to me, they started to wonder why I had lost weight, or they just didn't bother to care too much. They asked how I had been recently. I just told them I'm fine. I really am. At least, I don't get totally dysfunctional or land in hospital. I'm grateful enough. At least I don't look too sick that people on the trains had to offer me a seat, or strangers on the road had to hold me in case I fall. That's good enough. Thank God. :)

One thing that's bothering me right now, is that whenever there is extreme discomfort, I couldn't function in my daily activities as per normal. When I could usually fold the bedsheets for less than 5 minutes, I took almost 10 minutes if I was in pain. That's how every chore I had to do doubled my time, and I couldn't go out at all. Sleep and being in bed make my day then. Everyday, being out for half a day is enough to tire me, or sometimes even a walk to the market is enough to wear me out. How can I cure this condition before I start work? If I do graduate by July this year, I've to start work then. How can I function properly? I don't want it to clash with my new job. Dealing with out-of-school youths is a lot of work, and in addition to this, it's going to be very challenging indeed. It's not just the work aspect, there is my spiritual work too. I've so many roles and responsibilities to play, and I don't want to miss out on all of them...

The good news is, July isn't here yet. That's if I graduate by then.
There's still hope.
I don't want to give up.
I'm not going to let this whole backache control my life.
Never.