So many different thoughts flashed through my mind once again today. At least this time round, the thoughts that came are less emotional. Hee.

My dearest friends came to visit today: Ed, yt, xh, cp. I was so happy, 'coz after so long, I finally felt I was in school with my lovely clique of friends once again. (: Now, I'm listening to "Home" by Kit Chan, a song which dearest Ed emailed me. It's such a lovely, homely feel listening to it while blogging. Sentimental, I should say. Just thinking that this is going to be most of their last school semester, I feel so upset that I couldn't be present in school to spend the last semester together with them. Thinking about it makes me down... I tried to convince myself that I still have Ben, Shan etc., but still, it didn't really cheer me up a lot. Looks like I'm given the chance to really focus all my energy studying for the last semester when I return school...

So for now, I do look different already. If I go out, I've to wear an extra something to cover my top, in addition to my mouth mask. I already looked so thin. A cap, a mask and my skinny bones would most likely attract unwanted public attention. I used to think I could let go of all these face issue. Looks like it is easier to say than to personally experience it myself. I felt so reluctant just going down to the void deck. Neighbours whom I know always have confused looks on their faces. I feel so full of contradictions and embarrassment. I still can't let go totally. I do feel so much healthier now, and my mouth ulcers are definitely recovering because I ate a bun today (YAY! :D), but when I think about going back to see my doctor again next week, I feel so hesitant again. I really, really don't want another possible round of chemotherapy, but it would definitely hurt my parents if I say that. I don't know what to say now... just sour inside. If only my parents know how painful it was going through these 2 weeks....


Tonight is night cycling. I'm missing out on another fun again. I wish I could be present with the rest, but I know this won't happen very soon. Everytime I think of wanting to do something that would cause me to risk my health, I would think of my parents, and then I would feel so down once again. Why am I so pessimistic this time? Maybe not just this time, but it has been bothering me for many years already. My "good girl" concept still cannot be removed totally. I want to faster recover, and I'm trying my best to, but I don't know how to when people start telling me to do so, 'coz my body is just like that, it has its own limits. I can only watch the others happily, healthily enjoying themselves. The following months of activities are so uncertain if I would be present. I know many of my friends hope to involve me, but they also worry about my well-being, so they always assume I wouldn't turn up for outdoor events. I feel so bad, not being able to be of much help, and also to be left out in so much fun and responsibilities.


I had a chat with kor yesterday. He shared with me that the body, mind and soul are linked, but somehow I only want to focus on my soul, rather than all 3 parts. I didn't want to care so much about natural remedies or health and nutrients that could help my body. I am only interested in the spiritual aspect, of wanting to get back to spiritual work once again. I've neglected my body indeed... poor body. I thought of his words and they do make sense. The 3 parts are linked very well together. I should start learning to take care of each part. :)

I had a talk with sis today too. She said if a person wants to convince another about something, action speaks louder than words. She told me I hadn't been like that when I was still fine and well, and she was almost disappointed in me. I felt so upset by my past actions. Even now, I had my own defences when I talked to her and tried to explain my reasons, and I was so aware of my strong defences. This is no good. Hmm... She made a good point too. One has to have the cultivation in order to be a role model to others. Otherwise, anything is just "air-talk". I recalled the show "Huan Zhu Ge Ge" which I just managed to finish watching it today, and I always thought that the main characters in the show have much, much, much more cultivation than me. I admire the characters in the show very much. If only I've 10% of what they have... Still learning!

I still have a few more thoughts today, but I guess I need a rest soon. Too many thoughts already. But I'm overall very happy today 'coz I manage to eat the bun! I finally got to bite and chew a little! :DDD I drank a lot of energy drink too. I thought I took in more food today, and I felt more energetic. Tomorrow is Saturday! Finally I look forward to Saturdays now. Recalling the 4 months of Saturdays, they were my nightmares. It's amazing how I went through the 4 months. Goodness gracious!

All right, good night everyone! Have a lovely, homely weekend ahead! :D